“Collapsing Ocean / The Love Beneath”

Acrylic on Canvas, 36x48in, 2020.

SOLD

The story behind this painting:

“I had an abortion when I was 19. This was a formative experience for me. It was a difficult decision to make and I was in a difficult point in my life. I felt in my gut that having an abortion was the right thing to do, but I also knew that I was choosing my life over my child’s. Even when you are confident in and grateful for your choice, this is a difficult feeling to shake. 


Years later (when I was 33) as part of my developing spiritual life, it came to me that I was supposed to make an amend to that child. Not for the act of the abortion per se, but for making a decision for her that she didn’t have a choice in.


I was living in Chicago at the time, and I made the amend at the lake front. It was transformative. I could feel the presence of god (btw, not the-man-in-the sky god … the bigger unnamable thing). It was my first experience of god as female/non-binary and of something that was very tangible but also impossible to describe. 


This experience is the story of what's behind this painting that I finished in May 2020.

This is going to sound really woo-woo, but that day on the lakefront, I also felt that I made contact with the child. I’m not sure if it was her voice or god’s voice, but I heard back: ‘It’s ok, I’m ok, you can live your life now.” I felt released from a lot of the doubt and guilt that was holding me back, which left me free to move to LA...which I did a few months later.

I started this painting immediately after I made that amend (2017), to capture the feeling of the vastness and love I felt in that moment. It lived in my studio for a long time–unfinished, but with a hopeful and imaginative vibe. It wasn't until I finished it in 2020 that I fully understood what it was about.

I have been thinking a lot about this abortion lately with the discussions of Roe vs Wade, and it feels important to talk about the complexity of it. I both believe that I ended my child’s life, and I am vehemently pro-choice. For me, both of those beliefs can coexist. Do you agree?

If you want to learn more about my abortion experience, you can visit my "Art Stories" highlight on Instagram.”

Editied June 10, 2022